This past week I spent mostly at my friend's organic farm about an hour and a half outside the city. There the heat is more fun and bearable than in the city - until the power goes off and there are no fans to move the air around and the mosquitoes begin to swarm. I love it there. It has some of the things I desperately miss: a kitchen, friends, fresh air, quiet. The days fly by and melt into each other out on the farm. It also has a lot of the things I will miss when I am back in the States soon: Gujarati, my Indian friends, banana and papaya trees, buffalo and goats, amazing birds, camels and elephants to do the landscaping, so many things. There are a million things about India that fascinate me, that keep my curiosity and imagination peaked all the time.

I've begun to dismantle my room, to give stuff away and plan what is to be sent. Taking things off the wall and emptying bookshelves has suddenly shifted me into moving mode, and in a matter of hours I felt I already had one foot out the door.

I'm a little nervous about going home. There is so much ahead of me: writing a dissertation, facing a changed committee, finding a new apartment, perhaps facing no prospect of work in the coming year in my department. I'm dying to be there, and yet I am scared of forgetting some of what I have seen and learned here, and I am a little nervous about the challenges and unknowns I face once I get home.

Goodbye little sisters

My research assistant and I left Dungarpur together for the last time yesterday. I will return later this year, but she is off to London in a few months for a Master's program in development studies. We had an amazing last day filled with realizations of all the friends we have made on our weeks and weeks of staying there. The guys that own the restaurant we love, the guys at the hotel that were once so grumpy and recently had become so kind, all of the amazing people we have met in villages, the countless cups of chai we were given. And our close friends: P.lal our driver, guide, guard and friend and Madhu our friend, fellow researcher, and slumber party hostess. P.lal told us that he planned to hang a photo of us in his house to remind him of all of these weeks we spent together and all of the fantastic adventures we had. He told us that he wanted to do this because we had become not only his friends but also his little sisters. We promised to work on our Hindi and English, respectively, and to meet again in October.

I could not help but remember how I felt the first time I arrived in Dungarpur, months and months ago, so bewildered and uncertain. I knew next to nothing about the place. Now I recognize the roads, see people I have met in the streets, have grown very fond of the landscape and people, and know an awful lot about seasonal migration and cotton seed production. I am excited to write about everything I have seen and heard. I am also glad that that was not my last trip. I still have lots of questions and a strong urge to spend more time there and understand more about the social, agricultural and economic changes taking place in the area.

I'm off to Rajasthan again tomorrow morning early, until Thursday. I'm hoping to get a lot done (12 interviews?), but I also know that it is supposed to be 109 degrees at least one of the days I''ll be there. Because of the food issue I went to the store today and tried to come up with some ideas for things that I can make without a kitchen of any kind and in a funky hotel room that is bound to be rather hot. I think it should be alright. Breakfast is the main problem, since there are no real restaurants open at 7am when we head out to the villages, and I think I have that settled with cereal, fruit and boxed milk. We'll see. I'm not feeling 100% after the stomach infection, but I'm planning to be really careful and to take it easy. I'm thinking we'll start each morning at 7 and try to be back by 1130am or so. Wish me luck!

Well I survived food poisoning only to move on to a stomach infection several days later. This has given me time to think, draw, stress out, watch movies, write, plan and read. I'm currently reading Winter's Tale. It is impossible to describe how strange it is to read such a book, which is so completely and utterly a love affair with all that is winter, while it is 100 degrees at 11pm. Though it is already an enhanced and magical version of winter, it seems almost like the whole idea of winter is made up to me. I think this sensation is particularly strong because the last book I read was Sacred Games, a fantastic novel about crime, set in Bombay. Though both are about large amazing cities, they seem like different planets. Having this time has been a gift, though. Watching movies and reading novels, lots of them, is something that I haven't been able to do in years. These are things that graduate school has made difficult if not impossible. I am now feeling more and more prepared and excited to get into the next phase, that of writing my book. I won't pretend that my dissertation will be the kind of thing lots of people will pick up to read, but I hope it can later be turned into something that people will. Still, the process is the same. I am allowing myself to plan for it and dream about it, and yet be realistic about the pain and suffering that is sure to be a part of the process. Writing brings out my issues with confidence and it leaves me feeling like an impostor. But I have a lot to write about, and I'm excited about it, so I am hoping that that will get me through some of the hard times.

On the last trip to Dungarpur we realized how very difficult it can be to find good clean food in a small town in Rajasthan. When we arrived all of the restaurants in town were closed because Holi (a Hindu holiday involving throwing colored powder on each other) was still in full swing. The restaurant owners told us they had to close since there was no one willing to work - for the next four days! We ended up having to eat at a few roadside stands, particularly for breakfast, and somewhere along the way I got food poisoning. For several days now I have been trying to come out of this, but I still feel weak and sick to my stomach. We had to leave town a few days early to get me back to where I could rest and get well. I am hoping to head out to my friend's farm for the next few days and get some work done, cook for myself, and relax until I am really better. I had forgotten what this kind of thing does to you, especially when it is also really hot outside.

All day today I was fighting against the assumption that I do not speak Gujarati. In a store a clerk asked my friend for my name and even though I replied in Gujarati he didn't listen and kept looking at my friend. When I asked a rickshaw driver to take me to a particular place he refused and complained to someone that since I could not speak Gujarati he would not be able to communicate with me. I told him in Gujarati that I do speak and he would not hear me. I asked, "Bhayaa mané Gujarati aavre ché to problem shu ché? (Brother, I know Gujarati so what is the problem?). Again he said no and again I repeated the question. Finally he said "barabar" (fine) and we were off. On the road we talked for a while and he insisted on speaking very slowly and I insisted on mocking him and also speaking very slowly, but eventually we were both doing it in good humor. On the way home I said a word or two and the driver looked at me in the rear view mirror and said, "Gujarati aavré ché?" (do you know Gujarati?) and I said, "haa bhai" and we had a nice conversation. When I reached campus I passed a big group of young boys that work in the canteen and they started saying in Hindi, "here comes the english girl" and I almost turned to them and said, "careful mané Gujarati aavré ché ané Hindi bhi aati hai" (careful, I know Gujarati (in Gujarati) and I know Hindi (in Hindi)) but I don't think it is really worth it since they have gotten in the habit of teasing me and saying things in a way I don't understand. Probably they would just tease me more. I try not to get so upset with them, after all they all work seven days a week, don't ever get to go off campus as far as I can tell, and they are just kids. I completely understand that most foreigners these people may have met do not know Hindi and certainly don't know Gujarati, but it's sad to face the same barrier in communication all the time.

There are so many cool things about being here. I learn so much everyday. At the same time I would give just about anything to be able to shop for and cook my own food. I'm also dreaming of the day when I can once again feel anonymous, normal. I look forward to eating meat and drinking wine and wearing a tank top without feeling like I am perpetuating the very strong stereotype of western women as 'loose'. I have been going to a women's film festival the past few nights and that has been really refreshing. I have enjoyed the discussions after the films immensely. But this type of thing is few and far between. It's taken me a while to realize how the extremely conservative nature of this city has impacted me. I am shocked when I see a real kiss in a bollywood film, I almost never leave campus without a dupatta (a very large scarf, worn in such a way that it hides women's curves). While I still get frustrated that men never let me go ahead even when it is my turn, and sometimes they even push me aside, and I don't think anyone would give up a seat on the bus for me, I have come to expect these things, and even to accept them. I look forward to returning to my own way of life, and once again getting to be who I am all the time.

Sage was here for almost two weeks and it was amazing! There is so much to write about! I'll start with the first story that comes to mind.

I planned for Sage and I to fly into Chennai and take a bus to Puducherry/Pondy/Pondicherry (a Union territory that was a French colony for a long long time). When we arrived at the airport I asked the woman at the tourist information booth how and where to catch the bus. We had to take a rickshaw to a particular bus station, which we did, but not without a heated argument with the scamming rickshaw driver (even after I struggled and talked him down by half, I told a friend from Chennai how much I paid and he was horrified. Apparently, the rickshaw drivers there are famous for cheating people).

The rickshaw driver left us at the wrong place and while hundreds of buses were passing us all of the destinations were written only in Tamil (reading Hindi and Gujarati didn’t help me one bit here) and almost no one I asked for help spoke either English or Hindi. We were pointed in various directions and Sage decided that she was the hottest that she had ever been. I’m sure that it was above 100 degrees and there was no shade to be found. Finally a little old man wearing only a dhoti (a piece of cloth draped, a bit more elaborate than a loincloth), said “Puducherry? Come with me, come, come!” We followed after him and he told us to get on a bus, I asked the driver whether he was going to Pondicherry and he said no. But the old man persisted, “this bus, this bus. Get on.” I asked the driver again and then the conductor. Again they both said no. By this time I was getting really frustrated with this little man, but then the driver said that it was not a direct route, but that we could take this bus and then transfer to another. By that time we really wanted to believe that this bus would work. We got on and as we pulled away I saw the old man and the conductor out the window and they waived at me and said, “byyyee”. That made me really nervous and I worried that somehow they made money for getting us on the bus and that it was really going in the wrong direction. Fortunately that bus and then another did eventually get us to our destination.

Once we arrived in Pondicherry we got off the bus and were immediately surrounded by rickshawvalas. Another tiny man wearing only a dhoti came running up to us and I asked how much to Romain Roland Street. He said 100. I told him, “no, no impossible, that's too much”. He said, “how much then?” I said “50 rupees”, which I figured was at least closer to the real price. He agreed, so we followed him out of the station. As we went with him there were giggles and snickers from the other rickshawvalas and I wondered what that was about. As we arrived at his vehicle I understood. It was a bicycle rickshaw and a very old and crumbling one at that. We both laughed in disbelief (this was a very small man and there were the two of us and our large backpacks) and backed away. He cried “no please I can do it”. The other men were poking fun at him and teasing and trying to tell us that it was impossible, and that we should go with one of them in their auto rickshaws. We were tempted but when we looked at the little man we felt bad for him and said ok. That ride was the most embarrassing of my life by far. We crept along the street with motorcycles, bicycles, buses and cars filled with people pointing and laughing at our ridiculous situation. The poor little guy came to a slight hill and got out and pushed. The next time he came to a hill Sage got out and pushed as well. We felt terrible, and yet he peddled on and eventually delivered us to our hotel.

I am just back from my third research trip to southern Rajasthan - another fantastic and successful trip. I am in the process of trying to write the third (February) report to send to my supervisor in Seattle. Usually I try to send these by the 1st of the month, but there was too much going on at the beginning of this month. When I look back at the report that I wrote just five weeks ago I have to laugh at myself - my research, my understanding of what I am seeing has changed and developed so much. Now I am faced with a different kind of dilemma: I have now so much information and so many ideas that I have to work really hard to keep on task, to keep reminding myself what is important for right now and what I do not have time to chase after. Everything seems connected and everything seems important.

Leaving Rajasthan this time, the day before yesterday, we were relieved to get a break from male egos. We were working on interviewing labor contractors in the area and encountered more than our share of men that were so full of themselves and arrogant that the three of us alternated between suppressed laughter and grimaces. Often times my foreigness seems to help counteract this, but we just happen to run into a few that had been drinking and some that said things like this man, "You don't need to talk to anyone else because I can tell you everything you need to know. I know all there is to know about this kind of labor and about migration". When we asked whether he himself had ever gone for this kind of work he said that yes, he went 10 years ago. He refused to help us contact other people, and seemed deeply offended that we might seek the help of anyone else after him.

I have one week until Sage arrives and we travel around the subcontinent. Once she leaves I have only one month before I head home for a while. This is a time of some serious decision making and I am getting a little nervous about how much I will be able to get done in the month of March.

I treated myself to a nice lunch today and found on the menu a snack that is basically mashed potato balls with fresh grated coconut and cilantro inside - whoa mama!

My research is coming along! I am so relieved to be gathering data like crazy, and I have another week of focus groups and interviews to look forward to. My research assistant and I spent the 22nd-27th in Rajasthan conducting focus groups with migrant laborers and interviews with labor contractors, parents of the laborers and others. The places we are going are very far apart, so we hire a vehicle and driver to get us around. We also have a local woman helping us since there is a combination of three languages being spoken (Hindi, Gujarati and Vagari) at any given time. This is not the Gujarati or Hindi of the classroom either. But I am managing and with the help of these two women the research is really going well. The day after tomorrow we head back to the area by bus and begin again. Hopefully we will double the number of focus groups and I have my hopes up for several important interviews to come through as well.

It seems like yesterday I felt that I would be here forever, and now the time is slipping through my fingers. I have two solid weeks of research planned, and then Sage is here for two weeks! We plan to go to all sorts of places that neither of us has ever been and then we will come back to Ahmedabad for a few days. After that I don't have much time to get a ton of research done, but I am into it now and feel confident about where it's going.

I am getting excited about life after the research, about getting back to Seattle, about the writing process, about being near everyone I love again. And I have to work really hard to keep my head here for a little while longer. That is not to say that being here is not captivating and an incredible experience filled with new ideas and more to learn than I can possibly absorb, I just miss home.

Bollywood Dreams

I am just back in Ahmedabad for a day between a bit of travel with my friend Rose and another trip to Rajasthan for research. I leave tomorrow morning at 530am for about a week in the field with my assistant. I feel totally unprepared, but deep down I know that I have been planning and thinking this through for months and that I have a pretty good idea of what I am doing. For now everything seems to be falling into place and the contacts I made on the last trip are expecting us. I am hoping to do several focus group discussions with workers and some interviews with others. I feel so grateful to have two really intelligent and energetic Indian women helping me with this work!

I spent the past few days in Bombay showing Rose around the city. On the second day we were approached on the most touristy street in the city by someone trying to cast a shot on an airplane for a Bollywood movie. We decided to go for it - what better way to get to know this city than to participate in the huge and booming local film industry for a day? We were picked up in the morning by a bus, in all 20 foreigners were rounded up. It took about an hour and half to arrive at the location - a training facility for Air India. My friend was chosen almost immediately to play a flight attendant and swept off to get dressed. A little while later I was also selected and was given an identical outfit to wear. Two other women were also dressed as flight attendants and we were all sent to have the hairstylists and makeup artists transform us. After that we sat around for several hours, until we thought for sure we would not be used after all. And then we were called to change our costumes. When we returned to the set they told me that I would have a line! I had to walk up to the two lead actors with a bouquet of flowers and say to the actress, "Mrs. Khanna, Mr. Khanna has sent these flowers for you. Have a great flight." We practiced it several times and then I did it in just one take. I'm really hoping it doesn't get edited out. Rose is behind me handing a magazine to someone. The movie is called Main aur Mrs. Khanna (Me and Mrs. Khanna) and is supposed to be coming out next month! It stars two famous Bollywood actors (Salman Khan and Kareena Kapoor).

It was totally exhausting, but well worth it. We were all paid 500 rupees (10 US) and sent on our way. Rose took some amazing pictures, and I have posted two of mine until I can get some of the better ones from her.

I am relieved the holidays are over. I tried to forget about them but was mostly unsuccessful. Now, the evening of January 3rd I am finally feeling better. I have worked in the library for the past few days with my research assistant - she was doing various helpful tasks and I was fretting over my second monthly report on my research. I still have yet to finalize it and send it off to my advisor. Anyone that knows how I am about writing and deadlines can recall the torture it causes me. But I can say that the process is not as bad as it has been in the past. These reports are mostly for me, and I know that as I am working on them. They never feel finished, which causes me some stress, but they help me to see how far I have come in this project. We are also getting ready for a few interviews this week before my friend Rose arrives and I take a bit of a break.

My RA and I had a conversation after lunch today about my research. She said that since each time we meet she sees that I have developed the project further, answered questions and adapted my questions and directions she is curious to know what my project started out as. This is a very reasonable question and I think highlights both how difficult it is to know before going to the field where your work will take you and what the most interesting questions and phenomena will be, and at the same time why at least one of my committee members was concerned that I was not prepared enough to begin my work when I did. I explained what I had been planning at the time of my proposal defense and we both laughed at the huge questions I said my research would answer. I really do think that that is just the way it goes. How could I have know then about all of the fascinating changes taking place that I have only heard about since talking with people in south Rajasthan and rural areas in Gujarat?

I suppose there are some things I could have thought of in terms of what kinds of processes I wanted to look at and expected to be able to study. But it is only now that I have some context for these changes that I can understand what they might mean. For example, I had a feeling that the shift from regular hybrid seed production to Bt cotton seed production (genetically modified cotton, that is) would be resulting in some changes in patterns of labor migration, if for no other reason than that the popularity of these seeds is resulting in more production and thus a greater need for labor (ie many more people will be called to do this work). But I could not have known that this increase might be leading to social mobility for a group of men in Rajasthan that are responsible for gathering child laborers and transporting them to and from the farms in Gujarat. Now there is also heightened awareness about child labor and there is a question as to whether these middlemen will continue to make the same profits if fewer children go. I could go on and on, but this is just to say that I am learning new things all of the time, and in order to be able to theorize about why and how Bt cotton might be causing different kinds of changes I need to know a lot more about that situation!